What is allowed in Catholic marriage

One of the most common questions married Catholics ask, often privately and with some embarrassment, is simply this: what are we allowed to do? The honest answer is that the Church does not offer a detailed list. She offers principles. Within those principles, spouses have wide freedom to express affection in ways that suit them. This lesson sets out those principles plainly, notes where the Church has clear teaching and marks where moral theologians offer opinions.

The guiding principles

Catholic teaching on marital intimacy rests on a few core truths, each drawn from the Catechism and the wider tradition.

1. The marital act itself is completed in the natural way. Intercourse is the act that unites the spouses as “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24) and that remains open to life (CCC 2366; Humanae Vitae 11). Acts that deliberately substitute for intercourse as the completion of the encounter, or that make it sterile, are contrary to this meaning (CCC 2370).
2. Affection and arousal are good. Kissing, caressing and the arousal of both spouses as a preparation for the marital act are part of the goodness of marital love (CCC 2362). The Church does not ask couples to be hurried or mechanical.
3. Mutual consent and respect are required. Nothing should be pressured, coerced or done against the conscience of either spouse. Pope Francis notes that sexuality in marriage must never be used to dominate or manipulate (Amoris Laetitia 154).
4. Nothing degrading. Any act that treats a spouse as an object, causes harm or humiliates is incompatible with love, even within marriage.
5. No pornography. Using pornography, alone or together, is a grave offense against chastity and against the dignity of everyone involved (CCC 2354). It also brings other people, real persons, into the bedroom.