Why the Church asks engaged couples to prepare
Church teachingThe Catechism teaches that preparation for marriage is of prime importance, so that the yes the spouses speak is free and responsible and the marriage rests on solid foundations. It names three helpers: the example and teaching of parents, the life of the family, and the support of the Church community. Preparation is not a hurdle the parish puts in front of the wedding. It is the Church taking seriously the promise you are about to make.
That promise is the heart of the sacrament. Consent, freely exchanged, is what makes the marriage, and without it there is no marriage at all. Everything a good program covers, from family background to money to intimacy, serves one aim: that both of you know what you are giving and receiving when you say I do. The grace of the sacrament then perfects that love and strengthens your unity over a whole life.
So that the "I do" of the spouses may be a free and responsible act and so that the marriage covenant may have solid and lasting human and Christian foundations, preparation for marriage is of prime importance. The example and teaching given by parents and families remain the special form of this preparation.
What a complete preparation covers
Pastoral guidanceParish and diocesan programs differ in format, but most address the same areas. A couple who prepares well usually spends time on each of these.
- The sacrament itself. What it means that marriage is a covenant, permanent and faithful, and why the Church sees it as a sign of Christ and the Church.
- Communication and conflict. How you each argue, apologize and decide. Pope Francis calls dialogue a long apprenticeship, because men and women communicate differently.
- Family of origin, money and faith at home. The habits each of you brings, and the kind of home you want to build.
- Intimacy and the body. What the Church teaches about married love, and how to talk about desire, expectations and the wedding night without embarrassment.
- Fertility and responsible parenthood. How the cycle works and how natural family planning lets a couple space births without contraception.
The last two areas are often the thinnest part of a weekend course, simply because there is not enough time. That is where an online program helps most.
Online program, parish weekend and diocesan course compared
Most couples combine formats. The table shows what each one typically offers, so you can see where the Engaged program fits. Requirements are set by your parish and diocese, so always start there.
| Engaged program online | Parish weekend | Diocesan course | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Length | 8 guided weeks at your pace | One or two days | Several evenings or a weekend |
| Where | At home, together | Parish hall | Diocesan center or online |
| Intimacy and NFP | Full weeks on both, with sources | Usually a short talk | Varies, often one session |
| Private questions | Ask with Sources and a private consultation | Group setting | Group setting |
| Completion record | Certificate listing every module completed | Parish record | Diocesan certificate |
| Accepted for the wedding | Ask your parish | Usually yes in that parish | Usually yes in that diocese |
Talking about intimacy before the wedding
Church teachingThe Church does not ask engaged couples to stay silent about sex. It asks them to understand it. The Catechism describes sexuality as ordered to the love of husband and wife, where physical intimacy becomes a sign and pledge of spiritual communion. The Council teaches that the acts by which spouses are united are noble and worthy, and that they express mutual self giving.
Engaged couples who are waiting for marriage often carry quiet questions: what is allowed, what if desire differs, what if the first night is awkward or painful. These are good questions, and they deserve answers grounded in Church teaching and sound medical knowledge. Our guide to Theology of the Body explains the vision behind the teaching, and our answer on sex before marriage explains why the Church asks couples to wait. If you have already been intimate, confession and a fresh start are open to you, and nothing in this program shames you for it.
The actions within marriage by which the couple are united intimately and chastely are noble and worthy ones. Expressed in a manner which is truly human, these actions promote that mutual self-giving by which spouses enrich each other with a joyful and a ready will.
What the Couples Program includes
Pastoral guidanceThe Engaged program is one of five guided 8 week programs in the Couples Program. Each week has a short reading drawn from Church documents, a video lesson, an exercise to do together and conversation cards for the questions that are hard to raise on your own. When you finish, you receive a certificate that lists every module you completed, so you can show your priest or deacon exactly what you covered.
The plan also includes everything in Membership: the full library of courses, the monthly live Q&A with experts and Ask with Sources, 300 questions a month answered from the Catechism with paragraph numbers. Every three months you have a private 30 minute video consultation with a Catholic therapist, a Catholic sex therapist or an NFP instructor, which many engaged couples use for an NFP chart review or for a question they would rather not ask in a group. Two logins, one plan, $49 a month or $24 a month billed yearly. There is no free plan.
Ask your parish whether it accepts an online program as part of preparation; the certificate lists every module completed. Parishes that want to offer the program to their couples can use the self serve Parish plan.
Couples Program
For a couple who wants guided programs and a counselor. Two logins, one plan.
$24 /month
Billed $288 yearly, or $49 billed monthly
Choose the Couples Program- Five guided 8 week programs, including Engaged
- Completion certificate listing every module
- One private 30 minute video consultation every 3 months
- Catholic therapist, sex therapist or NFP instructor
- Ask with Sources, 300 questions a month
- Full library, courses and monthly live Q&A
Preparing for a lifetime, not only a wedding day
Pastoral guidancePope Francis reminds couples that marriage is a dynamic process that grows step by step, and that no two people should carry the burden of being perfect on day one. Good preparation does not remove every difficulty. It gives you a shared language for the years ahead, and the habit of bringing hard questions to each other and to God.
When the program ends, the library and the other guided programs stay with you, from the first year of marriage to life after a baby. That is the whole idea behind Catholic intimacy and marriage done well: a love that keeps learning. Choose the Couples Program on the pricing page and start the first week together.
We should not however confuse different levels: there is no need to lay upon two limited persons the tremendous burden of having to reproduce perfectly the union existing between Christ and his Church, for marriage as a sign entails “a dynamic process…, one which advances gradually with the progressive integration of the gifts of God”.
Sources
Every source below is linked to the full text on vatican.va or usccb.org. Quotations are short and given word for word.
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CCC 1632 Doctrine
Catechism of the Catholic Church 1632 (The Sacrament of Matrimony)
So that the spouses' yes may be free and responsible and the marriage rest on solid foundations, preparation for marriage is of prime importance, with the example and teaching of parents and families and the help of the Church community.
Read the source -
CCC 1626 Doctrine
Catechism of the Catholic Church 1626 (The Sacrament of Matrimony)
The exchange of consent between the spouses is the indispensable element that makes the marriage. If consent is lacking, there is no marriage.
Read the source -
CCC 1641 Doctrine
Catechism of the Catholic Church 1641 (The Sacrament of Matrimony)
Christian spouses receive a grace proper to the sacrament of Matrimony that perfects their love and strengthens their unity, helping them attain holiness in married life and in welcoming and educating children.
Read the source -
CCC 2360 Doctrine
Catechism of the Catholic Church 2360 (The Sixth Commandment)
Sexuality is ordered to the conjugal love of man and woman. In marriage the physical intimacy of the spouses becomes a sign and pledge of spiritual communion, and the sacrament sanctifies their bond.
Read the source -
GS 49 Magisterium
Second Vatican Council, Gaudium et Spes 49 (1965)
Conjugal love involves the good of the whole person and enriches body and mind. It is uniquely expressed through the marital act: the acts in marriage by which the couple are intimately and chastely united are noble and worthy, and expressed in a truly human way they signify and promote mutual self-giving.
Read the source -
AL 136 Magisterium
Pope Francis, Amoris Laetitia 136 (2016)
Dialogue is essential for experiencing, expressing and fostering love in marriage and family life, but it is the fruit of a long and demanding apprenticeship, because men and women communicate differently.
Read the source -
AL 122 Magisterium
Pope Francis, Amoris Laetitia 122 (2016)
There is no need to lay on two limited persons the tremendous burden of perfectly reproducing the union between Christ and the Church. Marriage is a dynamic process that advances gradually with the progressive integration of God's gifts.
Read the source