Spontaneous and responsive desire

Many couples carry an unspoken assumption: real desire arrives on its own, like hunger, and if it does not show up first, something must be wrong. Researchers who study human sexuality have described a more helpful picture. Desire tends to come in two broad patterns, and most people experience some mix of both. Knowing which pattern is more common for each of you can change the way you approach one another.

Spontaneous desire

Spontaneous desire is the kind that seems to appear by itself. A person thinks about their spouse during the day, feels drawn toward intimacy, and wants to act on it before anything has happened. This is the pattern most often shown in films and assumed in conversation. It is real and good, but it is not the only healthy pattern, and it is not a measure of love.

Responsive desire

Responsive desire comes after closeness has begun rather than before. A person may feel neutral, or simply willing, at the start. Then, through affection, conversation, tenderness and feeling safe and cherished, desire wakes up in response. Many people, men and women alike, experience desire mostly in this way, especially in long marriages, in busy seasons, or after children.