What the Church teaches about a marriage without sex
Church teachingThe Catechism does not treat married intimacy as optional decoration. It says the acts by which spouses unite are noble and honorable, that they signify and foster the self giving by which the two enrich each other in joy and gratitude, and that the Creator himself established that spouses should experience pleasure and enjoyment in them. When that part of a marriage goes quiet for months or years, something the sacrament is meant to include is missing, and wanting it back is not selfish.
The same teaching rules out the two shortcuts people often suggest. One is pressure. Paul VI wrote that a conjugal act imposed on a spouse without regard for his or her condition or reasonable wishes is no true act of love. The other is resignation, the idea that a faithful Catholic simply offers it up in silence and never raises the subject again. Neither one is what the Church describes when it speaks of spouses giving themselves to each other. The path between them is slow, honest work on why intimacy stopped, and that is what the rest of this page is about. For the wider teaching, start with Catholic intimacy and sex in marriage.
Sexuality is a source of joy and pleasure: The Creator himself . . . established that in the [generative] function, spouses should experience pleasure and enjoyment of body and spirit. Therefore, the spouses do nothing evil in seeking this pleasure and enjoyment. They accept what the Creator has intended for them.
Why intimacy stops in Catholic marriages
Pastoral guidanceCouples usually arrive with one explanation, and it is usually about character: he does not care, she is cold, we married the wrong person. In practice the causes are more ordinary, and most couples have two or three at once.
| What is going on | How it tends to look | First step |
|---|---|---|
| A medical cause | Pain during intercourse, erectile difficulty, low desire after a new medication, changes after birth or around menopause | A doctor, before anything else. Week 3 of Libido Mismatch lists what to ask |
| Exhaustion and the mental load | Young children, shift work, one spouse carrying the household planning, no evening left by 9 p.m. | Change the week, not the bedroom. Week 4 works on sleep and workload |
| The pursuer and distancer cycle | One asks, the other declines, the asking gets sharper, the declining gets faster, both stop touching at all | Name the cycle together as the problem. Week 5 |
| Fear of pregnancy with NFP | Long abstinence because the method feels uncertain, then avoidance even on available days | An NFP instructor to rebuild confidence in the chart |
| Shame carried from a strict upbringing | Sex still feels dirty or dangerous after the wedding, especially for a spouse who waited | Read what the Church actually says, then talk it through in a consultation |
| Pornography or a broken trust | One spouse has withdrawn into a screen, or the other cannot feel safe after finding out | Trust has to come first. See the program on rebuilding trust |
| Unresolved conflict | Resentment about money, in laws or parenting sits in the bed with you | Repair the friendship first. Rekindle starts there |
Is it a sin to refuse your spouse
Church teachingThis is the question both spouses type late at night, one out of hurt and one out of guilt. The honest answer has two halves. Spouses have given themselves to each other, and Scripture tells them not to deprive one another except by agreement for a time. A settled, long term refusal with no serious reason and no willingness to talk about it does wound the marriage, and it is something to bring to a confessor.
The other half is just as firm. A spouse who is ill, in pain, exhausted, recovering from birth, or frightened is not sinning by saying not tonight, and nobody may demand intimacy as a debt to be collected. The Church also recognizes periodic continence by mutual decision as a legitimate part of married life. So the useful question is rarely who is in the wrong. It is what stands in the way, and whether you are both willing to work on it. Our hub on what is and is not a sin in Catholic marriage covers the related questions one by one.
Men rightly observe that a conjugal act imposed on one's partner without regard to his or her condition or personal and reasonable wishes in the matter, is no true act of love, and therefore offends the moral order in its particular application to the intimate relationship of husband and wife.
Ways to get help compared
Catholic couples in a sexless marriage usually weigh four routes. They are not rivals, and many couples use two of them together. Session fees for therapists are set by each provider and vary by state and license, so ask before you book.
| Couples Program | Talking to your priest | Licensed Catholic therapist | Secular sex therapist | |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Cost | $49 a month, or $288 a year for both spouses | No fee | Billed per session, set by the therapist | Billed per session, set by the therapist |
| Works from Church teaching | Yes, every lesson cites the Catechism or a Church document | Yes | Yes | Not usually. Some suggestions may conflict with your faith |
| Structured weekly work at home | Yes, two 8 week programs with exercises and conversation cards | No | Depends on the therapist | Often yes |
| Specialist in sexual difficulty | A Catholic sex therapist in the quarterly consultation | No | Sometimes | Yes |
| Diagnosis and treatment | No. It is education and guided practice | No | Yes | Yes |
| Can start tonight | Yes | When you get an appointment | Waiting lists are common | Varies |
How the two programs work
Pastoral guidanceCouples whose main problem is that one wants intimacy and the other does not start with Libido Mismatch. Its eight weeks move in a deliberate order: name the pattern without blame, learn the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire, rule out medical causes, look at stress and sleep, break the pursuer and distancer cycle, practice asking and declining with love, agree on a rhythm that includes NFP periods, and keep the gains. The Couples Program page lists all five programs week by week.
Couples who have simply drifted, with no fights and no touch, start with Rekindle. It rebuilds friendship and daily attention first, then non sexual touch and affection, then talking about desire, and it closes with prayer as a couple and a short rule of life. Each week in both programs has a reading from Church documents, a video lesson, one exercise to do together and conversation cards for the sentences that are hard to start. Plan on about an hour a week.
If the dry spell began with a baby, the Postpartum Intimacy program fits better, and our page on intimacy after birth explains what is normal in that season. If it began with pornography, begin with healing from porn, because desire does not return where trust has not.
Longer life spans now mean that close and exclusive relationships must last for four, five or even six decades; consequently, the initial decision has to be frequently renewed.
What the Couples Program includes
Pastoral guidanceThe plan covers both of you with two logins. You get all five guided programs, the full library and courses, the monthly live Q&A with experts, and Ask with Sources, where either of you can type a private question and get an answer drawn from the Catechism with paragraph numbers. Every three months you book a private 30 minute video consultation with a Catholic therapist, a Catholic sex therapist or an NFP instructor, which is four a year on the yearly plan.
It costs $49 a month, or $24 a month billed yearly ($288). There is no free plan. You can ask one question in the assistant on the home page before you choose, and you can cancel from your account.
Couples Program
For a couple who wants guided programs and a counselor. Two logins, one plan.
$24 /month
Billed $288 yearly, or $49 billed monthly
Choose the Couples Program- Five guided 8 week programs, including Engaged
- Completion certificate listing every module
- One private 30 minute video consultation every 3 months
- Catholic therapist, sex therapist or NFP instructor
- Ask with Sources, 300 questions a month
- Full library, courses and monthly live Q&A
When this is not enough
Pastoral guidanceA guided program is education and practice. It does not diagnose or treat. See a doctor for pain, erectile difficulty, sudden loss of desire or anything that changed after a medication. See a licensed therapist for trauma, a history of abuse, depression or compulsive pornography use. If there is coercion, threats or violence in your marriage, contact local emergency services or a crisis line, then your priest. The Church permits separation for safety while spouses remain married, and no one is asked to stay in danger.
For ongoing help, our pages on Catholic marriage counseling and finding a Catholic sex therapist explain what each kind of professional does and how the consultation fits beside them.
Yet there are some situations in which living together becomes practically impossible for a variety of reasons. In such cases the Church permits the physical separation of the couple and their living apart. The spouses do not cease to be husband and wife before God and so are not free to contract a new union.
If your spouse will not take part
Pastoral guidanceMany members join alone at first. That is fine. You cannot do a couples exercise by yourself, but you can learn how desire works, stop your own half of the pursuer and distancer cycle, and use the consultation to plan how to raise the subject without an ambush. A spouse who has felt pressured for years often softens when the pressure stops and the invitation becomes specific: one hour, one week, one reading.
Christ dwells with the spouses and gives them the strength to begin again, to forgive one another and to bear each other's burdens. That grace does not replace the work, but it means you are not doing it on willpower alone. When you are ready, choose the Couples Program on the pricing page and open week one tonight.
Christ is the source of this grace. "Just as of old God encountered his people with a covenant of love and fidelity, so our Savior, the spouse of the Church, now encounters Christian spouses through the sacrament of Matrimony."
Sources
Every source below is linked to the full text on vatican.va or usccb.org. Quotations are short and given word for word.
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CCC 2360 Doctrine
Catechism of the Catholic Church 2360 (The Sixth Commandment)
Sexuality is ordered to the conjugal love of man and woman. In marriage the physical intimacy of the spouses becomes a sign and pledge of spiritual communion, and the sacrament sanctifies their bond.
Read the source -
CCC 2361 Doctrine
Catechism of the Catholic Church 2361 (The Sixth Commandment)
Sexuality, by which husband and wife give themselves to each other through the acts proper to spouses, is not merely biological but concerns the innermost being of the person. It is truly human only as part of the love by which a man and woman commit themselves totally to one another until death.
Read the source -
CCC 2362 Doctrine
Catechism of the Catholic Church 2362 (The Sixth Commandment)
The acts by which spouses are intimately and chastely united are noble and honorable, and fully human sexual union enriches the spouses in joy and gratitude. Sexuality is a source of joy and pleasure: spouses do nothing evil in seeking this pleasure and enjoyment, while keeping within the limits of just moderation.
Read the source -
CCC 2368 Doctrine
Catechism of the Catholic Church 2368 (The Sixth Commandment)
For just reasons spouses may wish to space the births of their children. They must ensure their desire does not come from selfishness but fits the generosity of responsible parenthood, and they must conform their behavior to the objective criteria of morality.
Read the source -
CCC 1642 Doctrine
Catechism of the Catholic Church 1642 (The Sacrament of Matrimony)
Christ is the source of the grace of marriage. He dwells with the spouses and gives them the strength to take up their crosses, rise after falls, forgive one another, bear one another's burdens and love with a supernatural, tender and fruitful love.
Read the source -
CCC 1643 Doctrine
Catechism of the Catholic Church 1643 (The Sacrament of Matrimony)
Conjugal love involves the totality of the person: the appeal of the body and instinct, feeling and affectivity, and the aspiration of spirit and will. It aims at a deep personal unity, one heart and soul, and it demands indissolubility, faithfulness and openness to fertility.
Read the source -
CCC 1649 Doctrine
Catechism of the Catholic Church 1649 (The Sacrament of Matrimony)
There are situations in which living together becomes practically impossible. In such cases the Church permits physical separation of the couple; the spouses do not cease to be husband and wife and are not free to contract a new union.
Read the source -
HV 13 Magisterium
Pope Paul VI, Humanae Vitae 13 (1968)
A conjugal act imposed on one's spouse without regard for his or her condition or personal and reasonable wishes is no true act of love and offends the moral order. Likewise, an act of mutual love that impairs the capacity to transmit life contradicts God's design.
Read the source -
AL 163 Magisterium
Pope Francis, Amoris Laetitia 163 (2016)
Longer lives mean relationships must last for decades and the initial decision must be renewed often. Even when intense sexual desire is no longer felt by one spouse, the other can still find joy in belonging to each other and choosing each other again.
Read the source